About 6 weeks ago, I got talking to a wonderful man. A man that was quite different to anybody I had ever met before. I was drawn to his eyes in the photos he had used on Tinder and I liked the quote he had used: ” It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.” I matched with the long-haired bearded hippy with the dreamy eyes and it wasn’t long before we had swapped numbers and were texting backwards and forwards on Whatsapp like two excited teenagers.
S: Oh hi! 🙂
Q: Hello 🙂 I like the patterns in your profile picture, a bit of sacred geometry.
(I had only just started learning about sacred geometry that week and this picture was so beautiful with so much hidden meaning and depth to it).
S: Yes! I drew them myself.
(Yes! I thought, an arty creative type. I love those men, they are the ones you can get to have the really deep conversations with. The dreamers, the readers).
Q: (heart eyes) I thought so. What did you draw it with? And how did you get the shapes so perfect? Computer?
S: Pencil, drawing pens and compass 🙂
(He then sent me another drawing and this one was absolutely mind blowing.
Q: Wow very clever. I’d like to learn that. I’m not very arty sadly.
(I used to love art, especially portraits but one shitty teacher at high school told me I was rubbish so that was the end of that)
S: Awww I’m sure you’d be able to do something…. anyone can! Just takes a little time.
(I then zoomed in on the drawing and had a closer look. It was absolutely amazing)
Q: Oh my gosh, I absolutely love it. Makes me emotional for some reason. Circles are my favourite shape. Do you sell your art? I love the way when you zoom in you can see the tiny imperfections showing it’s not computer generated (heart eyes).
S: Thank you so much 🙂 that’s good, circles are very feminine in sacred geometry. No I don’t sell my art, it takes me a long time to create something like this. I’m just happy I have people like you who appreciate it. Yes it’s not perfect I like that (sticky out tongue face)
Q: Are they? I’ve only been introduced to it very recently but always been drawn to shapes in nature especially circles and the koru spiral shape. Been working a lot with balancing my feminine energy too 🙂
So appreciate it.
(God knows why I started talking about balancing feminine energy to a stranger. I’m sure it was just a test to see how he would respond. Most men would reply ‘cool’).
S: They are indeed! Curved and flowing, beautiful circles. Masculine is straight lines forward and direct.
It shows in your pictures! You caught my attention before I read your profile.
(Wow he was actually joining in with this slightly different conversation. I mean, most people ask what do you do for a living? Do you have kids? We were talking about shapes and I loved it).
Q: Yes that makes sense I’m just reading about it now.
S: I have a lot of sacred geometry tattooed on me. My favourite is a metatron cube I have on my chest.
Q: Oh amazing. I’d love to see. I was wanting to get a metatron cube on my back. I love that shape.
S: Nice (heart eyes)
At this stage unless you had an interest in sacred geometry, you’d probably have run away by now but we were both in our element and the conversation continued like this for quite a while. It flowed into a discussion about our personalities and we were bouncing off each other so effortlessly.
I found out that he had been single for 6 years, that spiritual attraction was 98% of what he looked for in a person and that he was looking for a true connection not just sex. When he sent a message saying that he thought I was very attractive, it was sent at 11:11am and he wrote, “And I sent that at 11:11 yusss.” I saw all this as confirmation from the universe that this was going to go somewhere. Who knew where at this stage but somewhere.
He asked me where I’d been hiding and said that he thought we’d have a lot to talk about. He also said that he was really happy to connect with me and that was the end of our first conversation.
He messaged me again later that evening:
S: Hi 🙂 how was your afternoon?
Q: Hey you 🙂 I have been so lazy. Tea and biscuits, cat on lap, Youtube. Big week this week so needed to stop. How was your walk?
S: That’s fair enough! Sounds lovely to me.. It was great! Nice to get out walking in nature 🙂 What will you do for the evening? I took a photo for you.
Q: Yes it has been lovely but I feel guilty when I have so much work to do. Work can wait until Monday though. Need a break.
(This was the picture he sent me)
Glad you had a great walk, love being out in in nature.
(Unlike The Smoking Accountant who’d rather be in the pub it would appear)
Awww thank you for the photo. My favourite (heart eyes)
(I was impressed, he’d thought about our conversation on his walk and taken a picture of my favourite shape in nature)
S: Don’t feel guilty! Rest is important 🙂 I would have loved to have joined you!
The conversation continued like that, just as effortlessly as it had done that morning. He even told me he had actually never connected with someone so easily through text alone and it had been a long time since I had. He told me how he was quite introverted and more bubbly with just one other person in the room. I have always gone for more extroverted, in your face characters so this would be very different. Would I like it? Time would tell. After an hour of texting he sent me this:
S: So where do we go from here? I will just keep messaging you saying how lovely I think you are… 🙂
Q: Haha nothing wrong with that. Where ‘do’ we go from here?
S: I would like to meet you… I’m so bad at this.
Q: Well let’s meet then.
S: I have no house to invite you to.
(He was currently travelling around the country in his camper van having a break from work. His hometown was 6 hours away from where I live)
Q: Hmm true.
S: I wasn’t expecting to meet someone who has my attention like you have. If we were in my town it would be much easier for me to make plans and everything. Here I feel a little out of place.
(It was at this point that I was properly reminded that he wasn’t from my city and did I really want to meet up with someone who lived so far away normally?)
Q: I’m a bit confused why you even had your Tinder on here.
S: In what way?
Q: I wouldn’t normally swipe right on someone who lived so far away. But you caught my eye and the guys from around here have been doing my head in.
S: Fair enough! I’m glad I caught your eye! Your profile did the same for me. Were you confused me having my account active here since I’m from another town?
S: I’ve never matched with anyone there.
S: I’m willing to relocate to anywhere in the country or world for the right person.
Q: Yes! You have the same attitude to me. I believe you just make things work if you find someone who there is a special connection with.
S: No I’m very picky. I think I may have swiped right a couple of times there.
Q: Haha well I feel privileged then.
And with that we arranged our first date. It was to be a walk around my favourite lake. I’d been on a few dates there now but never the whole way round.
Scrap this story. I was writing this story because I finally thought I’d found my happy ever after. I wanted to give my readers the ending they and I had been hoping for. And then I jumped back into reality. There is no happy ending. This had been my issue, desperately seeking an eluding happy ending and forgetting about the magical journey I was on and the characters in the story that kept getting better and better.
I didn’t know how to keep writing this story because everything was going wrong… again. I had a fear that my blog was becoming some sort of magical curse. I was writing about all these disasters. Yes with humour but it was as if I was waiting for the next disaster, even if subconsciously. So I decided to take a break and focus on the journey. Not writing, not doing much really. More lockdowns occurred and I had a lot of time to think and consider.
So what went wrong? Where did things go with The Sexy Caveman?
We had our amazing date around the lake. We talked, we connected, we got on amazingly. We went back to mine, it was still amazing. No kissing, no sex but the hug at the end was electric. He then went back to his hometown 6 hours away. We kept in touch and he made the decision to move to my city. He really wanted to get to know me and see where things may go. It was all so exciting.
We decided to go on a campervan adventure together around the north island. It was stunning, it was magical, we got on amazingly, the sex was good, the passion was growing. I really thought ‘at last….’ We saw shooting stars and shared truly mesmorising moments together. The holiday finished and we got back to mine and we were just sorting things out. He had started looking for work and it looked like everything was coming together. But then came the dreaded moment. The phonecall.
“My son’s just called,” The Sexy Caveman had a concerned look in his eyes.
His son was 13 and lived with his mum. My heart sank because I knew what was coming. “Oh yeah?” I answered cheerily.
“Yeah, he’s not happy. He wants me to come back and live with me because his mum is moving away and he doesn’t want to change schools.”
The conversation ended with him saying he’d need to go back tomorrow and of course I supported that decision knowing that if things were meant to be, our paths would cross once more and it would all work out. However I was devastated. Truly upset. And what made this sadness more interesting is it was a sadness like this was goodbye forever. Every time I see someone for the last time I become almost hysterical. It’s like my soul knows that this is the end. Well this was one of those cases.
Sure enough I never did see him again. I doubt I ever will but that’s ok. He showed me that it is crucial that I am with someone on the same spiritual journey as me, someone who wants to co-create and collaborate, do big amazing things in the world.
You may ask, why did I never see him again? He changed. He closed his heart, I became needy. He couldn’t give me what I needed and we were frustrated. I wanted connection, he wanted to get on with work and saving money. He never picked up the phone. There was no affection in his texts. I did book a plane to see him. It was all go until just over a week ago. I had booked a retreat and was excited to let him know.
Q: Hey Sexy Caveman, just to let you know, I’m going on a women’s retreat this weekend so won’t have my phone on. I hope you have a lovely weekend and I will be in touch when I get back.
(A pause of 10 minutes)
S: I really don’t feel comfortable about this.
Q: What don’t you feel comfortable with?
S: Ladies weekends, nights with the girls, women’s retreats. It makes me feel uncomfortable.
(What the fuck! Did he think I was having wild lesbian orgies or something? I couldn’t be more straight if I tried)
Q: Well I’m not going to stop these things, I enjoy this sort of thing and it makes me happy.
S: Well I guess we aren’t aligned anymore.
Q: Well I guess we aren’t. Take care Sexy Caveman x
And with that it was over. I had a big cry and went to my retreat knowing that this was my new beginning.
But it wasn’t the last I heard of him. On Tuesday I received a surprise text.
S: Well I’m guessing since you said you’d message me when you returned but haven’t that your women’s retreat or whatever has done its job.
Q: Your last message basically told me it was over. I thought it was.
S: Fair enough. But I never said that, my comments were about those sexiest retreats.
Q: Sexest? They’re not. We just deal with women stuff. You basically said it makes you uncomfortable and it was a problem. I said I love all this.
S: Women’s retreat. Why not call it a retreat? They’re sexest to me. The same way black lives matter is racist.
(Oh my, here we go)
It’s more important to you to keep that type of thing in your life, I understand.
(Now old me would have said, “no no King Caveman, you are more important than anything else in my life. I will give up all to have your precious heart.” But nope, not this time. I have just come back from a women’s retreat where I’d learnt to have courage, to step into my power and say NO when I felt it)
Q: Because it’s for women about women stuff not of interest to men. I don’t get the black lives matter is racist sorry. We just seem to be bashing heads. I need a man who is on my page, wants me to feel empowered, wants to talk to me regularly on the phone and connect. You are unable to offer this to me. I never got a heart or kind words again from you after you left mine. I was so keen on you and I was so devastated when you went quiet on me. I need, want and deserve more. Sorry Sexy Caveman. I wish you well and wish you happiness x
(Surely that would be it. Surely?)
S:Well that’s understandable since I’m looking for someone who is past all that. I need someone with more spiritual maturity. The things you need will be virtually impossible to find from a person on the path to self enlightenment. Don’t be sorry.
(What???? My ego was screaming, past wanting affection? More spiritually mature? Huh? Virtually impossible to find… ughhh. I didn’t bite though)
Q: I’ll take that risk.
S: Of course you will. Everyone does. That’s what I don’t want.
Q: Glad we’re on the same page now. Beautiful memories with you, guiding me in the correct direction. Thank you ❤
(And I meant this with wholehearted sincerity)
S: I don’t think we’re on the same page… that’s the problem. The type of man you’re looking for are everywhere you just need to pick one.
(Hang on a minute, he just said it would be virtually impossible for me to meet someone like that)
This is just another reminder for me that I am going to spend much more of my life alone. I will leave you alone. I don’t mind if you disconnect and / or block me. Good luck with everything.
Q: Well we’re on the same page that we’re not right for each other yes. No need to leave me alone unless you want to. I will not block however if you feel the need then that’s ok. Good luck too.
And with that, I never heard from him again. The end of another chapter.
BUT. We all know what happens when one chapter ends. Another one begins.
I had had a beautiful date in nature with a man I shall call The Dragon Wizard. We got on great and have a lovely walk and connection but it was while I was still not sure about what me and The Sexy Caveman were. Well, as soon as I closed that door, this one opened wide and so far this is becoming the most exciting and beautiful story yet!
So glad you are keeping up with this blog and amazingly keeping your heart open. Inspiring!
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Awww thank you. Nothing is going to close down this heart of mine.
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