I haven’t written any stories for a while. Not because I don’t have stuff to write about but because I lost my joy for it. My main reason for starting this blog was for myself. Free therapy for a woman approaching 40 who STILL has difficulties dating and connecting properly with men. However I was finding the busier and happier I was becoming, the less I was needing this therapy.
I felt like my blog was losing pace and people were no longer interested in my dating disasters. Nobody was messaging me asking me when the next story was coming. Nobody was posting comments so I assumed nobody was reading.
But then one day I had a comment from a follower who writes profound poetry. I would link to his website here but sadly I don’t know how to yet. His comment explained how he found the posts insightful and amusing and that he would continue reading. Knowing this has encouraged me to write again even if only one person actually reads it and enjoys it.
Since then I’ve also had a few friends asking when my next story would be written. But they’re my friends and don’t count.
What I’ve also found very interesting is I seem to have more male followers. It’s funny how when I started the blog, one of my intentions was to give hope to other women my age and maybe a chuckle that they could relate to.
Instead I get mainly single men (wish my dating life was like that). They get to read about dating from the woman’s point of view. They hear all the tips and tricks men use in dating that they never usually hear. They find out what a woman thinks about these tips and tricks and whether they actually work.
So with that I continue with my story. I will rewind to just before the pandemic had taken over the world.
I got my hat trick – The Smoking Accountant got in touch again. I think this happened because he admits he still reads my blog. He said he’d like to meet up with me as friends. I’m not sure if these are his true intentions but I would like to be his friend. We got on great and it’s not often I connect with people like that. But what with being busy and now old Covid paying a visit I can’t just meet up with him because I’m locked up in my bubble for one. So with that it might be a little while before I see The Smoking Accountant again.
I had mentioned last time about The Beekeeper and the date that wasn’t a date at the festival. Well after that date there wasn’t a day that went by that we didn’t talk in some way and a few weekends ago I decided to go and visit the Beekeeper and stay at his for the night. I felt comfortable with that idea even though we’d only met once.
It was a magical 36 hours from start to finish. He made me lovely chai and meals made with vegetables grown straight from the garden. He also taught me how to make sushi.
In between the cooking courses, I got massage therapy and healing sound bowl therapy. This is no joke. My favourite things and a rather good-looking, charming, beautiful-souled man was offering it all for free.
As well as that, we listened to music. I knew we had similar taste when I was ‘shazamming’ the whole time.
We had two adventures outdoors. One was to the beach for a walk and the other was visiting caves. We were the only ones in the cave and we had to wade through freezing water waist high. Well waist-high on me, mid thigh for him.
It was scary in the cave. Pitch black, nobody else there, difficult rocks and with a man I still hardly knew. My anxiety-fuelled brain told me the beautiful beekeeper was some kind of rapist or murderer. Once I got that thought in my head, it got a little hard to enjoy the experience. My mind started imagining the worse until we got to the end and he lit a candle and incense. I didn’t think that that was the act of a serial killer. Although in hindsight this could have been a little ritual.
But I survived the adventure and I really really enjoyed it. There was even a little moment of comedy where I’d taken my clothes off so I could get into the water and left them on a ledge in the cave. Well of course on the way back, in the pitch black, I couldn’t remember which part of the cave I’d left my clothes. It was ok, I had a bikini on, but it would have looked a bit odd doing the walk up the track just in a bikini.
The Beekeeper went on a clothes finding mission and found them. Phew.
We went back to his for an hour and then it was time to drive home. What was interesting was the only physical contact we had in the whole time was our hug goodbye. The hug was so lovely it made me wish we’d done more hugging. But what a lovely time to spend with a man. No expectations and just a great friendship blossoming.
Since that moment the Beekeeper and I saw each other every weekend. Two weeks after I went to his he came to mine for the Saturday and Sunday night. We chatted continuously and went on a couple of adventures to my favourite places near mine. The conversations were amazing, the energy was amazing. This time we cuddled a bit more and had our first kiss. It was a lovely kiss. I also learnt this man gives the BEST massages, really healing ones.
The weekend after that I went to his. To be honest we didn’t do much apart from talking and having sex. The sex was different. Slow and cuddly. It was really lovely and I have never felt such a peace and contentment. He told me he felt the same. To be honest I never wanted that weekend to end. It was like we were the only people who existed on the planet.
The following weekend was the last time we saw each other. Everything had ramped up with Covid 19. Countries were locking down around the world and I had a feeling New Zealand would be next. He wasn’t even going to come and visit but I told him this might be the last time we see each other for a very long time.
It was a strange old weekend. We basically behaved like lockdown had already happened. Neither of us fancied going out and he was getting really paranoid and anxious about it all.
I guess it was that weekend we saw each other’s dark sides. Our energy was no longer balanced and we were attracting and repelling. We had lovely sex and some good conversations but the conversations often turned into doomsday. I’m not some little bundle of light who has her head in the clouds but I prefer to keep positive and in the moment whenever possible.
I could see he was worrying about finances, his daughter, the state of the world but for me I just wanted to enjoy what potentially was going to be our last weekend together. We had 3 nights together and on the whole it was amazing. He really holds up a mirror to me and I learn so much when I am with him. I am more in touch with my spiritual side and there is a beautiful connection which I believe is a soul connection. I have learnt how to astral travel and read people more through their body language and how I often get so involved with my stories from the past I bring up the emotion which isn’t really healthy.
We kissed goodbye on the Monday morning and I didn’t want to go into work. I knew the virus was spreading, and in my workplace I mix with many people and in a close space.
It was at 2:20pm I learnt about the imminent lockdown. What a surreal time to be living. Most of the world being confined to their homes.
So on the Tuesday I had to make some big decisions. Was I going to go into lockdown on my own or with a man I’d only known a couple of months? He couldn’t leave his place because he was growing fruit and vegetables which would need to be looked after and I couldn’t leave my place because I have my two cats.
I had asked The Beekeeper if I could bring my cats to his. He had agreed but told me the dog that lived in the garden at his would chase them away. I just knew this would happen and didn’t want to risk it. On top of the cat issue we were just starting to argue more. Our future ideas and views no longer seemed to be aligning. In fact I got a little upset because I could feel like I was losing someone who had become really important to me.
Fast forward ten days and I have been on my own in my tiny house the whole time. I took a walk on day 5 to collect some food from a friend but apart from that I’ve spent my time at home.
I do lots of yoga, read, watch spiritual people talk about the true reasons all this is happening, I’m learning piano, I dance, I video chat friends. I am learning to be ok and realise I can actually be happy on my own. No friends, no family, no man. I got so excited when the courier dropped off my food order yesterday. A real life human being to talk to.
At first this was making me anxious but now I realise it’s better to be in this position than in a toxic marriage or abusive relationship. It’s also made me realise how much I do actually love people. Maybe I am an extrovert after all.
As for The Beekeeper, we are getting on well again. His energy has lightened up and we speak every day. Normally by text. But I have realised we want different things in life. He wants to build a hut in the bush and live off the land and although I love that idea, I’m not sure I want to wash in a stream in the winter. I think I’d rather just have him as a really special friend I get to visit when all this is over. But I adore that crazy man who rebels against society. I could write a book just about him. Maybe I will do one day.
So, The Queen of the Dates huh, not much dating going on in the middle of a pandemic. It’s as if the universe has gone, “nope you’re going to learn to be happy alone, no dating for you Mrs”. But that doesn’t really stop me. I have a phone date with The Financial Advisor tonight. So I guess my next story will be about the world of virtual dating at this very strange time. Oh and Mr Ferrari is still in touch. He told me we’ll have a great date when all this over. We will see. I wonder how many other women he is saying that to?
See, entertaining again! Really, caving by yourself with a man that you didn’t know well? You’re definitely an adventuruous type! 😆 I’m glad it worked out well though!
It seems like everybody just met somebody before the lockdown lol. My little brother was saying the same thing. But in this case it sounds like the right choice not to spend lockdown with the Beekeeper guy! I agree that it’s better to be positive and in the moment in that situation, can worry later. But then again he has a daughter, so I guess it would be different.
“It’s also made me realise how much I do actually love people. Maybe I am an extrovert after all.”
I spent a lot of my life thinking I was an introvert, but realised I’m actually definitely more extrovert. I always thought it was largely a made-up distinction, but think I do believe in it now, when I realise that some people genuinely get exhausted even from being with friends, haha. I mean of course you do eventually, but takes a lot for me!
I’m pretty sure, but were you referring to my comment? 😲
Thank you. Yes I think I made the right decision too. Glad it was entertaining.
And yes I was referring to your comment. Thank you again.
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Oh, yeah— I noticed that your posts aren’t categorised. That makes a difference, as well as the tags that you use. I think ‘dating’ would be a well-searched for tag, and ‘romance’. I found that the few times I wrote poems tagged with ‘love’, they got more attention! Lol.
Here are some posts I found helpful:
Thanks I’ll take a look at that.
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Hi! This is my first time reading your blog and I love this post. I’m 27 and I’m so curious about what dating is like for older women, especially those that have never been married, because with the direction I’ve been going in- I just don’t know I’ll find anyone any time soon.
I haven’t read any other posts by you yet, so forgive me if this question sounds silly; how do you meet men? Online dating has always been the most appealing option to me because it reduces the fear that a man I’m interested in is not available or not looking for a relationship. I struggle to just “enjoy a man’s company” because I don’t want to end up in the friendzone and my heart broken to pieces.
A quote that really resonated with me from this post was: “At first this was making me anxious but now I realise it’s better to be in this position than in a toxic marriage or abusive relationship. It’s also made me realise how much I do actually love people. Maybe I am an extrovert after all.”
1. I always come to the same conclusion that I’d rather singleness than a toxic relationship. These days I’ve actually started to doubt that thought though and I wonder if the toxic moments are worth the good ones.
2. I am also beginning to realize that I actually love people, I’m just afraid of being vulnerable with anyone. This is why I seem to “save” my vulnerability for romantic affairs, which ultimately ends in heartbreak and sorrow.
Anyway, I’m loving this blog and I can’t wait to read more.
Hi, welcome to my blog and thank you so much for your message. I haven’t written for a while but going to start again this week. You have motivated me to share my story once more.
Please read my story from the beginning. I was married. I got married and realised he wasn’t the one so please please never rush into anything like that. You are single right now for a reason. It all becomes clear and your love is out there. That I am sure.
1. The good moments in a toxic relationship do not outweigh the toxic. The good moments are long forgotten whilst the bad follow you into every new relationship until you’ve healed. Never settle.
2. Be vulnerable to everyone. People fall in love with those who are authentic.
I hope you enjoy my blog and find some encouragement in my journey. Much love.
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